Why is it so hard for an Indian guy to date abroad?

为什么印度男人在国外谈个恋爱这么难？

以下是Quora读者的评论：

Anonymous

I am going anonymous because I am married. I came here (US) at a time when I was separated now I am with my family.

Ok, Indian guy here, mid 30s, dark, short and not lean at least. My experiences where completely opposite abroad (US). Two months I had the same complaints what you have stated, but I at least got attention, because women found my color exotic (thank God there were not many Indian women here). Here are the things that worked for me:

Confidence - I am not bad with the language, rather a good accent too to compliment but I was awkward in my behavior…..I just lacked confidence. I started with first just talking to people, men, senior women it worked, it helped me be confident in talking to strangers and made friends and also understand how people think, do and understand things here.

Style: Its not just looks, women care how we groom. My experience, most Indian men here put very less effort on looking good, if you except women to look pretty and I think its fair for women to have a well groomed man as a prospect. Timely haircut with the style that suits, clothing for the occasion which matches the style, good fragrance (this helps a lot)……and you will know more if you keep doing it. Observe around, you will know too. As an example, Having a tummy, wearing fit T-shirt doesn't help or even if you are skinny.

Taking ownership: There are cliches about we Indian men, it sucks but its the reality, prove that you don’t belong in that zone, be patient. Change the way you think, stop judging people, be open to accept opinions, and work around it. Remember we are aliens here, we have more accepting to do than the locales. Start doing it, you will be surprised with the changes you see…..

这次我要匿名发帖，因为我结婚了。我刚来这里(美国)的时候，和家人两地分居，现在我们团聚了。

好吧，这里的印度人大多都是30多岁，肤色黝黑，个子不高，算不上瘦。我在国外(美国)的经历是完全相反的。也有过那么两个月的时间，我也有同样的抱怨，但我至少得到了关注，因为女性觉得我的肤色很有异国情调(感谢上帝，这里没有多少印度女性)。以下是对我而言较为有效的方法：

自信——我的英语并不差，口音也很好听，但是我的行为举止很蠢笨……我只是缺乏信心。一开始，我只是和人们交谈，男人，年长的女人。这个办法很有效，帮我在和陌生人交谈时塑造自信心，结交朋友，也让我了解了这里的人们是如何思考，处理和理解事情的。

风格：不仅仅局限于外表，女人们也会在意我们如何打扮自己。根据我的经验，大多数印度男人不太注重外表，如果你希望看到女人打扮得漂漂亮亮，那么女人也可以欣赏精心打扮的男人。定期修建适合自己的发型，穿着适合自己的衣服，喷点香水(这对你很有帮助)……如果你坚持这样做，你会了解更多。观察周围，你也能有所发现。举个例子，大腹便便，穿紧身T恤也没用。

所有权：人们对我们印度男人有一些陈词滥调，这很糟糕，但这是事实，要证明给别人看，你不属于那个群体，要有耐心。改变你的思维方式，不要对他人评头论足，敞开心胸接受别人的意见。记住，我们在这里就是外国人，我们比当地人更需要接纳。现在就开始改变，你会对你观察到的变化而惊讶……

译文来源：三泰虎  http://www.santaihu.com/48449.html  译者：Joyceliu

Hobbies - Develop hobbies, learn a dance like salsa, join a reading club or cooking classes, learn a language, women find this very attractive. Plus you have bigger circle of acquaintances, more interactions, more knowledge, more confidence and more game…..

Believe you are unique: Uniqueness is attractive, there are women who will appreciate it, just find those. Believe you have some thing different to offer, know about your culture thoroughly and don’t argue over it, reason it for good. Women want to hear different perspectives with respect, keep that going.

Be on your own: Stop being just with Indian groups, venture out alone, go to a bar, talk to random people, talk to a woman as you would talk to any human, you will see the difference. Things are very different here, women are way mature, being from India, my experience was sad in India, most of the women ignored my personality because of my color, here I haven't found that shallowness. It gets superb everyday.

What did I achieve doing the above - 3 hooks ups, 2 short lived relationships in a span of 10 months and 2 now, even with my family here and the women know about it. I know its not cool, but if both the parties are fine, there is nothing to be bothered. I am living the best part of my life at least on a dating point of view.

兴趣爱好—培养兴趣爱好，学习萨尔萨舞之类的舞蹈，参加阅读俱乐部或烹饪班，学习一门语言，女性会发现这很有吸引力。此外，你能获得更大的人脉圈，更多交流，更多知识，更多自信……

相信自己是独一无二的：独一无二是有吸引力的，有些女人会欣赏你的这项特质。相信你能带来不一样的东西，彻底了解你的文化，不要对此展开争论，好好说服她们。女性希望听到不同的有礼貌的观点，保持下去。

做你自己：不要只和印度人呆在一起，一个人出去走走，去酒吧，随便找个人聊天，像和任何人聊天一样跟女人聊聊天，你会发现其中的不同。这里很不一样，女性都很成熟，我在印度的经历很惨，大多数女性会因为我的肤色而忽视我的个性，在这里我发现人们没那么肤浅。这让每一天都非常棒。

我通过以上的方法，在10个月内有过3次艳遇，谈过2次短暂的恋爱，即便现在跟家人住在一起，我也还谈了2场恋爱，那些女人也都知道我家人的存在。我知道这不是什么好事，但如果双方都觉得OK，就没什么可烦恼的了。至少从约会的角度来看，我正享受着我生命中最美好的时光。

Paul Kersey

Its funny how many people on here will have the same cliche answer. Your race doesn't matter, you need to improve yourself blah blah. Here :

1.How many times you see on dating sites, white women put their preference for ethnicity as white. Check it out on match.

2.How many times have you seen just dorky geeky ugly chubby white guys with decent looking white women.

3.Not all white guys are awesome looking, most of them are ugly, fat or plain average.

4.An average looking white guy can get a good looking white girl, an average looking Indian can't.

5.The good looking white women who might go for Indians are usually better educated, well travelled, been around Indians.

6.An Indian guy needs to be way better than his white counterpart in getting a better looking girl.

7.Lesson is simply, white women like most whites for most part don't like other races to date, they think its a huge cultural difference, they will have to give up their status in society.

有趣的是，不知道多少人会在这里看到同样陈词滥调的答案。你的族裔背景并不重要，你需要提高自己等等。看看这个：

1.有多少次你在交友网站上看到，白人女性倾向于找同为白人的异性。你去match上看看。

2.有多少次见过这样的情况：土里土气、又丑又胖的白人男子和姿色撩人的白人女子在一起。

3.并不是所有的白人都长得很帅，他们中的大多数都很丑，很胖或者十分普通。

4.一个相貌平平的白人可以追到一个漂亮的白人女孩，而相貌平平的印度人却做不到。

5.有可能选择印度人的漂亮白人女性，通常受过更好的教育，有丰富的旅游经历，身边都是印度人。

6.印度男子需要比白人男子优秀许多才能追到一个漂亮姑娘。

7.很简单，白人女性大多喜欢白人，不喜欢其他种族的人，她们认为这是一个巨大的文化差异，她们将不得不放弃她们的社会地位。

Bottom line is your race matters. But if you are tall, handsome,cool, got a good game, great physique, your race doesn't matter.

Just go to local Lowes, Menard's, home depot, you will see tons of white guys who are average to below average but still have nice looking wives. These women simply said why do I want the hassle or interracial crap with an average Indian when I can have an average white.

They would rather be with a little chubby balding white guy who makes $60k than be with an Indian who makes $100k is slightly above average. This means race counts.

Now if the Indian is super good looking or is super rich then nothing matters

结果是你的种族还是很重要的。但如果你个子高、英俊、潇洒、运动好、体格好，那么你的种族就没那么重要了。

去当地的Lowes, Menard's，家得宝看看，你会看到很多白人男性，他们普通得不能再普通了，但仍然能够拥有漂亮的妻子。这些女人会直白地说，如果我能找到普通的白人男子，为什么要找普通的印度人呢，还要忍受各种麻烦或跨种族的糟心事。

她们宁愿和一个胖嘟嘟、秃顶、年收入6万美元的白人在一起，也不愿和一个年收入10万美元的印度人在一起，后者的收入略高于平均水平。这意味着种族确实很重要。

如果印度人长得非常帅气，或者超级富有，那么什么都不重要了。

Sunil, Spent the first 28 years of my life in India, so I know it inside out!

Well…..as an Indian man living in Australia, I can see what you mean (although I haven’t tried dating anyone here, because I am focussing on other priorities).

We have our selfish Indian media to blame for that. To increase their viewership/readership, ever since the Delhi rape/murder case, Indian media has been blatantly projecting Indian men as rapists and perverts. And since people abroad haven’t actually visited India, they just go by what the media says, without realising that Indian media is just the puppet of powerful ministers and industrialists. When I first came to Australia, my roommates (Both Australian male students in their early 20s) asked me if India is indeed as unsafe for women as the the media portrays, and if Indian men have the tendency to rape. They were not judgemental, they were just curious. I assured them that it was just hogwash, the same way Australia is projected as a racist country where everyone is a racist (which is obviously not true, as I realised after moving here).

Also, I hardly see any Indian man/other woman couples here, but there are plenty of Indian woman/other man couples I spot on a regular basis. So the thing is…..Indian women living abroad, for the most part, do NOT want to date Indian men. I have heard the same from some of my friends (of both genders) that this is true in UK, Germany and the US as well, so it’s not just an Australia thing.

好吧……作为一个生活在澳大利亚的印度人，我能理解你的意思(尽管我还没有尝试过和这里的人约会，因为我在忙其他更重要的事情)。

这要归咎于自私的印度媒体。为了增加他们的收视率/读者群，自从德里强奸/谋杀事件以来，印度媒体一直公然把印度男人描绘成强奸犯和变态者的模样。因为外国人并没有真正访问过印度，他们只能相信媒体所说的事，而没有意识到印度媒体只是部长和实业家的傀儡。当我第一次来到澳大利亚时，我的室友(都是20岁出头的澳大利亚男学生)问我，对女性而言，印度是不是真的像媒体描述的那样，那么不安全，印度男性是否都喜欢强奸女性。他们并非在评判印度人，他们只是纯属好奇。我向他们保证，这全都是一派胡言，就像澳大利亚被描绘成一个种族主义国家，每个人都是种族主义者一样(我搬到这里后才意识到，这显然不是真的)。

此外，我在这里几乎看不到任何印度男子跟其他族裔女子组成的夫妇，但我经常能看到很多印度女子跟其他族裔男子组成的夫妇。所以问题是……在很大程度上，生活在国外的印度女性不想和印度男性约会。我从我的一些朋友(男女都有)那里听说，在英国、德国和美国等国，情况也是如此，所以这不是单单发生在澳大利亚的事情。

I am pretty sure our looks aren’t that big of a disadvantage. And the ‘stinking’ thing…..that stereotype does exst, but no one is going to assume that you stink if you don’t. The main issue I see, is the perceived image of Indian men as rapists and perverts in most countries. So when we Indian men try to strike up a friendly conversation with someone (with or without romantic intent), the first thought that runs through their mind is “Oh God, he’s an Indian man. I wonder how many women he has raped or molested back in India”.

So, this is the bottomline. Indian women living abroad don’t WANT us, and women of other ethnicities are SCARED of us. Also, this is an issue mainly for 1st generation Indians who move abroad. For those who were born and raised abroad, dating is much easier because they get rid of that ONE stereotype which bogs us down - that we are all rapists.

我很确定我们的长相没那么差。还有那个“体臭”问题……这种刻板印象确实存在，但如果你没有，没有人会认定你就是很臭。我观察到的主要问题是，在大多数国家，印度男人都被视为强奸犯和变态者。因此，当我们印度男人试图与别人展开友好的交谈时，她们脑海中闪现的第一个想法是“哦上帝，他是个印度男人。不知道他在印度强奸或猥亵过多少女性。”

归根结底，生活在国外的印度妇女不想找我们，其他种族的妇女害怕我们。此外，这主要是移居海外的第一代印度人会面临的问题。对于那些在国外出生和长大的人来说，约会要容易得多，因为他们摆脱了让我们感到沮丧的刻板印象——我们都是强奸犯。

Sougata Pal (Сугата Пал), Experienced in INTERRACIAL DATING... :)

My reply to this question is completely based on my personal own experiences. I am Indian national married to a Russian national and currently living in Moscow. I have been living abroad since 2007 when I left India to pursue my MS studies in France and since then I have lived in Spain, South Africa, Singapore and now Russia.

Please bear in mind before leaving India I have never dated before, never had a steady GF, never had sex, never partied with girls, never went to a club or a disc. My first sexual experience was at Paris when I was 27 years old with a French girl whom I met on the very first night when I moved to Paris from Nice. I met my Russian wife in Barcelona and we just got married last month.

During my last 10 years living in 4 different countries and dating many women, one thing is clear if you follow some basic rules your background is not a problem in finding good dates. TRUST ME IT IS NOT HARD AT ALL.

What I used to do is as follows -

我对这个问题的回答完全是基于我的个人经验。我是印度人，娶了一位俄罗斯人，目前住在莫斯科。我自2007年离开印度前往法国攻读医学硕士以来，一直生活在国外。自那以后，我先后在西班牙、南非、新加坡和现在的俄罗斯生活过。

在离开印度之前，我从来没有约会过，从来没有稳定的女朋友，从来没有过性生活，从来没和女孩聚过会，从来没有去过夜总会或迪斯科。我的第一次性经历发生在巴黎，当时我27岁，和一个法国女孩在一起，那是我从尼斯搬到巴黎的第一个晚上。我在巴塞罗那遇到了我的俄罗斯妻子，我们上个月刚刚结婚。

在过去10年里，我在4个不同的国家居住国，跟很多女人约过会，有一件事是很清楚的，如果你遵循一些基本的规则，你的背景在寻找好的约会对象方面不成问题。相信我，这一点都不难。

我以前是这样做的

1.Communication is very important. Being an Indian, I am exceptionally good in English communication even though I always studied in Non English medium speaking schools (Maybe I am blessed with an extra English speaking Gene…). The better speaking skills you have, easier to pick up girls.

2.Self grooming. You don't have to go on a date in a suit always but keep yourself presentable which gives a feeling to the other person that you are serious about the date.

3.We Indians typically have a habit of always sticking with fellow Indians even if we go abroad. DON'T DO THAT. CHANGE THAT HABIT. If you have to stick with Indians always then why did you move to a foreign land? You have to mix with people from other countries. I always do that. Its not that I didn't have Indian friends in those places where I lived but I never used to be with them always. I had friends from different countries.

4.Don't show too much DESPERATION or INTEREST on someone so that it gives a feeling this Indian has never dated before. Keep your DISTANCE always. Remember there is no dearth in girls around.

5.Learn to give GOOD compliments but don't give STUPID compliments. If you go out with a smart girl she will catch you quickly that you are trying to impress her a bit too hard. Keep your compliments smart.

6.If you want to ask some girl out then JUST ASK HER OUT. Don't OVER THINK too much. If she says No you move on.

7.If you want to impress any girl, always be on time. I love to be always on time. Don't be lazy or forgetful.

I always used to follow these basic rules and I had my fair share of success. Hope it helps….

1.沟通非常重要。作为一名印度人，尽管我一直在非英语语言学校学习，但我的英语沟通能力非常好。你的口语技巧越好，就越容易找到女孩子。

2.自我装扮。你无需总穿西装去约会，但要让自己看起来体面，这会让对方觉得你对约会的态度是认真的。

3.我们印度人通常有一个习惯，即使我们出国，也总喜欢和印度同胞呆在一起。不要这样做，要改掉这个习惯。如果你总和印度人待在一起，那还为什么要搬到外国去呢？你必须和其他国家的人来往。我一直都是那样做的。并不是说我在那些地方没有印度朋友，而是我不会和他们经常呆在一起。我有来自不同国家的朋友。

4.不要对某人表现出太多的迫不及待或兴趣，这样会给人一种“这个印度人从未约会过”的感觉。保持距离。记住，我们身边并不缺姑娘。

5.学会赞美别人，但不要说愚蠢的赞美之词。如果你和一个聪明的女孩约会，她很快就会发现你太急于给她留下印象。巧妙地赞美别人。

6.如果你想约某个女孩出去，那就约她吧。不要想太多。如果她说不，你就找别人呗。

7.如果你想给女孩留下好印象，一定要准时。我喜欢准时。不要懒惰，不能健忘。

我一直都遵循这些基本的规则，我也取得了一些成功。希望能帮上忙....

Katrine Diana, worked at Cosmopolitan

In my opinion, there's a difference between the guys who grew up in US or have been staying here for the most of their lives, and the ones that recently left India.

Now, this is generalization, and my answer may sound judgemental, but it's bound to be that way when you ask such a general question.

I've dated a few Indian guys who are US citizens, and they are pretty much like any American guy. The ones I dated had reasonable parents (don't expect to stay with their sons after marriage). Also, their parents weren't asking them to find an Indian bride. I know that this can occour, and it's most likely that most of these parents would want that for their son even today.

As for the guys who came straight out of India, they are hardworking, ambitious men, who unfortunately lack out of exposition to dating and the western culture in general. Please do note that I sincerely believe every person is different - but overall these men's come across as desperate (can't accept it when they're being turned down), and/or they don't dare to approach any girl.

在我看来，那些在美国长大或在这里待了大半辈子的人，与那些刚离开印度的人是不同的。

这是以一概全的说法，我的答案可能听起来有点主观，但既然你提出了这么一个泛泛的问题时，回答只能是这样。

我和几个印度人约会过，他们都是美国公民，他们和其他美国人都很像。我约会过的那些人，他们的父母都很通情达理(不要指望婚后和儿子呆在一起)。而且，他们的父母也没有要求他们找印度新娘。我知道这种情况会发生，而且很有可能，即使在今天，这些父母中的大多数还是希望他们的儿子也能这样。

至于那些直接从印度来的男人，他们工作努力，雄心勃勃，但不幸的是，他们缺乏对约会和西方文化的全面了解。请注意，我真诚地相信每个人都是不同的——但总的来说，这些男人给人的印象是极度渴望的(当他们被拒绝时，他们无法接受)，或者他们不敢接近任何女孩。

Furthermore, the Indian culture focuses mainly on academics and career. For most Indians, fitness doesn't play a huge role in their life. Back in India, they didn't have the time, and most of them fit the geeky image. Let me say that I've dated really handsome Indian men who doesn't fit that norm, but unfortunately a lot of Indian men miss out in this department. Like it or not, overseas physical appearance is considered pretty important during dating. I see the same happens with Indian girls, some of them never understand why they need to work out, and after 25, that shows.

Moreover, most women who aren't of Indian origin are probably not fancied by the idea of handling negative in-laws, the possibility of the guy cutting of the relationship due to his parents, and his commitment to his family. I think a lot of women would find it awkward that the guy provides for his parents the rest of his life. The last paragraph especially applies to the guys who still have parents in India.

I'm not saying these facts are true, in some cases they are myths, and I'm sure Indian men in general struggle from their reputation. That said, in order for these stereotypes to change, Indian men needs to adapt to the culture and the dating scene as well. So many of my friends ask me whether all Indian guys are immature and nasty, because they've been approached by them in ways they didn't appreciate.

This is just my two bucks though, based on what I hear and see around here. I personally feel one shouldn't label one spesific ethnical group this way, so let me specify that the arguments in this reply doesn't necessarily reflect upon my own opinions.

此外，印度文化主要注重学术和职业。对于大多数印度人来说，健身在他们的生活中并没有起到很大的作用。他们在印度没有时间，而且大多数人都符合极客的形象。我曾经约会过非常英俊的印度男人，他们不符合这个标准，但不幸的是，很多印度男人在这一方面失分了。不管你喜不喜欢，在海外，约会中外貌被认为是非常重要的因素。我在印度女孩身上也看到了这一点，她们中的一些人永远不明白为什么需要健身，25岁以后，问题就显露出来了。

此外，大多数非印度血统的女性可能不愿意面对照顾公婆的问题，不喜欢男方因父母问题也终止恋爱关系的可能性，也不会被男方对赡养父母的责任所吸引。我想很多女人会觉得这个男人下半生都要供养父母很无法接受。上一段特别适用于那些父母还在印度的人。

我并非说这些事实都是真实的，在某些情况下它们是讹传，我相信印度男人都会为他们的名声而奋斗。也就是说，为了改变这些刻板印象，印度男性也需要适应这种文化和约会场面。所以我的很多朋友问我，是不是所有的印度男人都不成熟、不招人待见，因为他们总是以自己不喜欢的方式接近他们。

以上只是我根据自己的见闻得出的愚见。我个人认为不该这样给某个特定的族群贴上标签，所以我想具体说明一下，这个回答中的论点并不一定反映我自己的观点。

Anonymous

I am an Indian woman, I grew up in India but have been living in the US for several years. Here are some of the things that I heard from my friends here that throws away White American women. I think the problem is that Indians don’t know how dating works here. You don’t randomly approach women wherever you see them. Feel free to strike a conversation but please don’t approach women just like that and directly ask them for coffee or ride.

我是一名印度女性，我在印度长大，但已经在美国生活了几年。下面是我从美国朋友那里听到的一些让美国白人女性感到恶心的事情。我认为问题在于印度人不知道约会是怎么回事。你不能随意接近任何你看到的女人。随意聊聊天没问题，但请不要那样接近女人，直接邀请她们喝咖啡或搭车。

1.Inappropriately approaching women: for ex: in streets (esp. while you are in a car), coffee shops and asking women to get a ride or get coffee randomly for ex; in an residential environment. If you are doing that, please stop. Something like this happened in our neighborhood and he is being reported to the police! (I can’t tell who this guy (ethnicity etc is)

2.In the internet, randomly start chatting/stalking with white women in a network like Quora, Facebook, random social networking site. Try dating websites for that like “tinder” instead

3.continuos persuasion even after someone says no: This happened with me and my Indian girl friends in a pub.. we are all married but wanted to have some fun together. There I met a couple of Indian boys (literally, as I felt he much was younger) who wanted to hang out as see the place as they were new. We clearly said “we were not interested, are married etc” but they kept going. Please, don’t do that. It feels like you are desperate

4.The general notion of Indian men not respecting women (This may be a rare thing). but threw me off literally when I heard some white women assume that Indian men in general don’t respect any women. So, I urge all who interact to also talk about the positive things that you have experienced (if any)

1.接近女性的方式不太适宜：比如在街上(尤其是当你在车里的时候)或在咖啡店里，随便邀请女性搭车或一起喝咖啡；如果你现在还这样做，请收手。我们的社区发生过类似的事情，那男子被人报了警！我不知道这家伙是谁（或是什么族裔）。

2.在互联网上，在Quora, Facebook，随便一个社交网站上，随机和白人女性聊天/骚扰。试试像tinder这样的交友网站吧。

3.对方说“不”后，还继续纠缠：我和印度女友在酒吧里就遇到过这种事。我们都结婚了，但想一起找点乐子。在那里，我遇到了几个印度男孩(字面意思，我觉得他比我年轻很多)，他们想出去玩。我们明明已经说过“我们不感兴趣，我们都结婚了”，但他们还是继续纠缠。求你了，别那么做。感觉你太急迫了。

4.印度男人不尊重女人的普遍观念(这可能很罕见)。但当我听到一些白人女性认为印度男性不尊重任何女性时，我真的很震惊。所以，我敦促大家也谈谈你所经历过的积极的事情(如果有的话)

Roles reversed, as an Indian woman, I have been also approached randomly by white men in airport, streets etc when I am alone. It’s just creepy and scary. I am not sure if this is even the culture but people like me would never want to go with some stranger. India is not new to dating. Everyone and anyone in villages to urban cites, people date but it happens in a very conservative way..

We don’t believe and have a “picking up girl” concept ( not sure if that’s actually a US culture or they were some creeps). For me, when you scan me out for few seconds and want me to go with you because I am attractive (??) or you have some need is as good as objectifying us. No wonder some women look for the cars, money etc (why would you call them gold diggers?)

设身处地想想，作为一名印度女性，当我独自一人的时候，也会有白人男性在机场、街道上随意接近我。这太恐怖了。我不确定这是不是一种文化，但像我这样的人永远不会想和陌生人互动。约会在印度并不是新鲜事。所有人，在乡村和城市里的所有人都会约会，但还处于非常保守的方式。

我们不相信，也没有“泡妞”的概念(不确定这是不是美国文化)。对我来说，你扫视我几秒钟后就想带我出门约会，难道是因为我很有吸引力(??)还是说你只是有需求，把我们当成了目标。难怪有些女人追求汽车、金钱这些东西(你们为什么管她们叫拜金女呢?)